Mommy, You're Hurting My Ears

It's day 3 and as I sit here I'm distracted by the yelling of my 20 month old who has decided that he no longer likes to sleep. It was exactly a year ago that he, at 9-10 months old, decided he would begin sleeping more than two hours at any given time. I hope we aren't looking at year long cycles...

As a mother, at least for me, it's often difficult to find perspective. Being so completely immersed in the daily functions of life - so much of which does not directly relate to me or my own needs - when I sit down to write I often have nothing to say. My brain is on autopilot. Inspiration outside of my children (who are monumentally inspiring) is sometimes hard to come by.

Becoming a mommy was really my primary goal in life. Having a family was extremely important to me. Old fashioned, maybe, but still the truth. When I made the decision to give up being a singer and actor it was for many reasons but in the end I always said that I would sing to my children and that would fulfill me. That is true and it does.

However, as is the case with plans when we attempt to make them, sometimes when I sing to my kids they say "Stop singing Mommy. You're hurting my ears." The first time my daughter said this to me I laughed because it was funny but it also got me thinking about my mother and grandmother. They made motherhood the primary function and defining factors of their lives and personalities. A fact that was born out of equal parts love and devotion mixed with fear and comfort.

Additionally, we felt the pressure of that commitment. My grandmother loved that I could sing - so much so that she forced me to do so at every holiday, party, and gathering - whether others wanted me to or not. Rarely did she ask me to sing when she and I were alone. It's interesting to think that my talent was somehow a validation of her to others. I'm honored that she thought so highly of me but it was a little much sometimes.  

By no means is this a poor me scenario. I love my mother and adored my grandmother when she was alive, but in navigating this maze I have always struggled to find the balance between self and motherhood. When I was singing to my kids was it for them or me and when the answer is "both" where should the balance lie? So many questions.

I guess in the end there is comfort in the fact that they all request that I sing to them before they go to bed every night. They love to listen to my recordings but they still are not concerned in the least by asking me to be quiet when they've had enough and I don't get offended. Maybe there isn't such a thing as balance and I shouldn't be so analytical - but this seems close enough to me.

Besides, one day they'll be in therapy for something for which I will receive the blame. If it's that I sang too much, well things could be worse...

Good night. Until tomorrow.

Holding It All Together With Duct Tape

Here I am on day 2 and it's 10 pm - barely made it. I've meant to get this done all day but things never seem to stop moving long enough for me to think. I made it and that's all that counts...

I have a whole host of anecdotes from my life that will undoubtedly make me sound like a lunatic - so why not blog them for the whole world to read? Right?!?

About three years ago when I was working for a wonderful organization doing great work with fantastic people I was busy trying to prove myself and create a foothold. I always said yes to new projects, stayed late, tried to have new and innovative ideas, and I never knew if any of it was working. Everyone was very experienced, intelligent, and just generally intimidating. Even though it doesn't sound like it, I really loved it there and wanted to prove my worth as we so often do in a new environment.

Just as we were entering into the big advocacy season right before the General Assembly was to convene I was coordinating meetings and trying to get people involved in the process of self-advocacy. This was very important to everyone in the department and for everyone we served. And I was the new kid.

Well the morning of this particularly big meeting I felt it was important for me to look very professional. Most of the time we were a pretty casual office - although not without some real fashionistas for sure - but on that day I dressed-up. I had recently bought some new clothes that I was very excited about as is generally the case with new clothes (you hope). So I decided on a particularly fabulous pair of black slacks that made my legs look super long and my butt look small(er). I paired with it a blouse that had a really cool fleur de lis type print. The choice was made and this was what I was wearing. The only problem was (men hold your ears) my bra choices for this particular shirt were limited because they were all lace which created lines on the shirt. Not good.

The only bra I had that didn't do this was one that was a few years old and from before I was a mother of two (at the time) who breastfed and had some understandable weight fluctuations. The mothers know what I'm talking about and everyone else can guess. So in a fit of desperation I put the thing on, went down to the tool box, pulled out the duct tape, and taped those suckers up. Yes, I did it and you would have too. All day long the girls stood at attention. I felt like a million bucks with my new clothes, my important meeting that evening, and my very perky boobs.

The day wore on and it came time to set up for the "event". So I pulled out all the supplies, handouts, refreshments, and loaded them onto a cart. But first there was a stack of stuff that I had to carry upstairs to the room we were to use for the night. I got onto the elevator carrying all my stuff in front of me and met up with two of the women in my department. They rode up with me and we were talking about the day when all of a sudden one of them got a strange look on her face and said in a voice that I felt was extremely loud - "Do you have duct tape on your boobs?!?"

I look down to see that my shirt had come undone from the pile that I was carrying and there they were for all to see. I only vaguely recollect what happened next as it is shrouded in a veil of humiliation. I blushed vigorously, explained that I obviously needed to go bra shopping, all while frantically buttoning my shirt and carrying a 6" stack of papers.

My co-worker, whom I have since become very good friends with stated "Now that brings new meaning to holding it all together with duct tape" 

I was the butt of many a joke and snicker that night from those two women with whom I had shared the elevator. But the meeting went very well. I proved my worth and my vulnerability all at once.

The next day a select few dropped by my office to share a light jab that in the end made me feel more like a part of the team. A few weeks later, on my 30th birthday, I arrived to find my entire office covered in duct tape. I laughed all day.

I find that so much of my life has been spent trying to look like I've got it all together and often I do appear that way - but whether literally or figuratively - so often I really am just holding it all together with duct tape. But I haven't done that again and I did pay Victoria's Secret a visit very soon after this incident. Just in case you were wondering.

Good night friends. Until tomorrow.

Musings from a Latke and Tofurkey Induced Haze

Wow! I've have seriously neglected this blog since the beginning of the school year. Amazing that the first semester of the school year is nearly over and I don't think we've come up for air.  With the kids schedules, my singing and acting schedules, and my husband's odd work hours I guess we've taken quite some time to transition from Summer.

I'm committed to writing everyday for the month of December, please help me maintain this pledge by reading, commenting, and passing on this blog. It is after all part of a larger project of stories about my life, motherhood, and the relentless pursuit of sanity.

I wanted to write a Thanksgiving post last week following my first large scale Thanksgiving with many, many guests including two from California and my newest beautiful baby niece and my nephew (he is a dog but a very welcome addition to the family). Yet with Hannukah occurring so early this year its seems that we moved right from Turkey to Latkes - hence the title of the post if you hadn't picked up on that one...

The last yearish has been interesting, exciting, and at times a terrifying. We met some great trials, along with so many Americans, due to the economic downturn, downsizing, and the birth of our magnificent third child. Life is filled with choices and we have been faced with some doozies. While our financial future is not as secure as it once was, with the examination of our priorities and an eye on the long term we are pulling ourselves up by the proverbial boot straps by leveraging every ability to make money and create the flexibility required to be the kind of parents we want to be - phew! Boy have we needed, and received, the help of our family and friends over the course of this year - and they delivered in spades. There are no greater gifts than those of hope and gratitude and I am reminded, even on the worst days, just how hopeful I am for the future and how grateful I am for all that I have and all those people in our lives who believe enough in us to lend their support - emotional and otherwise.

As many of my friends know, last year without planning to I resumed singing and acting after an eight year hiatus - that I never intended to end. The universe intervened and showed me that I needed to be doing this and gave me all of the tools, resources, and work to make it a reality. I have embarked on a re-re-invention of myself in this new/old role. It's different now, more business, less emotion - as is the case in so much of my life. These days failure is not an option because so many people are counting on me. So even if my voice cracks - which happened, I forget the timing and come in all wrong - that also happens, forget lines, or we lose a job due to poor business, or any other disappointments that might come along I have to continue beating the streets. Some months are better than others, but for the most part it has been consistent and I am not embarrassed to say - surprising. I'm always surprised by my own success. What does that say about me?

We have also made a huge change in the children's lives - per their request - by returning to my Jewish roots and joining a synagogue. It has been very interesting to begin this journey and see my children learning things that I vaguely remember from childhood (and a lot more), to see them thriving and excited to be a part of this community. They are saving money for the Tzedakeh box, donating food weekly, meeting friends, and being welcomed into a family oriented  community. My daughter has become more compassionate and committed to giving back which I'm sure has to do with the fact that she is getting older but it's nice to see regardless. This process has awakened in me a strong desire to connect with my Jewish identity - which I've realized is so much a part of who I am on a cellular level. I haven't abandoned my Unitarian Universalist community just broadened my spiritual understanding and listened to my children when they asked to be better educated on their own heritage. As with most things, it's a delicate balance and we're making the choices that work for us.

Thanksgiving this year was momentous for me because it was the first time that I have hosted both Keith's and my family together. We usually have his people but mine are generally at my Aunt's house, requiring that we travel or split up the day. Thanksgiving for me growing-up was always a big family event with preparation beginning earlier in the week at my Bubbe's house - where the young people inevitably got what one of my aunts refers to as the "sh#*" jobs of cleaning, broiling and tearing bread for stuffing, and peeling potatoes. Bubbe did all the "cooking". In the years following her death in 2003 that job went to her eldest daughter; but she was better about letting us all pitch in.

This year with Keith's brother and his family living in Japan and my aunt, uncle, and cousins from Atlanta not coming home -Thanksgiving was threatening to be small; and that was not acceptable to me. My local Aunt graciously allowed me to take over the hosting duties this year when I asked her. What a change when she came over to my house the day before to clean, peel potatoes, broil and tear bread for stuffing - I'm afraid I wasn't as generous with the good jobs as she has been. Talk about coming full circle. Everyone contributed a dish or two and in the end we had a traditional and a vegan Thanksgiving feast - I will be posting the vegan recipes in an additional post. What a day. That's all I have to say. It was beautiful, calm, delicious, and fun. I wasn't stressed.

Something has happened over the course of the last several months - I'm mellowing - not always but a lot more and if you know me that's huge. I can't determine if it's age or the insanity of life over the last yearish but I'm enjoying life more - real life, the mundane stuff that always used to feel more like work than it should. Maybe I'm just finding my stride or maybe I've emerged from the sleep deprivation caused by my third baby - finally a year after he started sleeping through the night. The point is, life is fun, funny, and I'm so excited to begin everyday.

Last night, 6 days after Thanksgiving we celebrated the first night of Hannukah with yet another event of grandparents, aunt and uncle. And again, the cooking, cleaning, decoration making, and general craziness of preparing for a kidcentric holiday event went off without a hitch. We ate, drank, played, opened presents lit candles, and enjoyed each other's company. Then my 4 year old woke up puking in the middle of the night. It's never dull and I'm never surprised by life.

Oh well, I've taken enough of your time and my life is calling but I look forward to sharing stories of the past and present, and of my life, motherhood, and the relentless pursuit of sanity with you over the next 30 days and beyond. Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, etc. Talk to you tomorrow.